Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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