we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
