...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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