Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
