I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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