i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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