a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
