tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
