got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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