ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
