i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
