just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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