Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
