Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We got so high we made milksteak
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
