She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
