somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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