the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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