So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
