i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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