Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
