dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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