That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
