If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
