I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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