Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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