I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
