i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
