i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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