Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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