The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
