yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
