Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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