By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
