Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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