I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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