I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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