i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
