So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
