I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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