I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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