I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
