so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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