Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
