Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
