Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
