What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
