seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
