if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
