this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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