My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
